Big Brother
by mmok
Summary: I once read in a book, words that made far more sense, than those that my father used to say to me. Life was a beautiful lie, while death was a painful truth. Sabo's POV


**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece... Nor the cover image**.

* * *

I wonder... if I had made the right choice.

When I left you and Luffy all those years ago, I thought that it was for your well being, that I had to stay concealed, that I was protecting you from my father.

But you know what?

That was just a poor excuse.

I just didn't want to face you two again, when I was too weak to reach for freedom.

So it didn't surprise me a bit, when I accepted Dragon's proposal in a whim, because the next time that I will meet you, it would be when I got a lot more stronger.

My instantaneous answer didn't faze me, but I couldn't deny, the widening of my eyes, when I felt water running down my cheeks.

I remember clearly, that they were tears of happiness, that I was finally going to become more stronger, but my heart said otherwise.

I was sad, sad and sad, of departing with my family.

But I bear with it, because I knew, that we were all going to meet again.

And when that day came, it was when I could win most of our spars.

* * *

Many times, did I see your face on the newspapers.

Many times, did I see your smug face, printed on the front page.

I felt proud.

My brother was becoming such a strong person, and it sent me this new resolve of surpassing you.

That I had to prove, that I was the big brother.

But I also couldn't deny, the hidden pain and fear back in my mind, tiny but noticeable, like a small gem in the middle of the sand.

I was scared, that you wouldn't need me again.

I was scared, that you and Luffy had forgotten me.

I was scared, that you weren't my brother anymore.

I comforted myself, with the fact, that I was going to meet you two soon, and then, I could catch up with the lost time.

I was naïve that time, my foolish 17 years old mind, thinking that it would be alright.

That everything was just going to turn out fine.

* * *

I wonder... why didn't I go to the war.

Why didn't I go save you, when you needed your family the most.

If one thought enough about it, it was actually quite simple to reach the conclusion.

You didn't need me.

You had already another family, and I knew, when I saw all those people who risked their lives to save you, I knew.

That I had failed you.

That you had forgotten about me.

That I didn't deserve to go there.

That I was unworthy.

* * *

I wonder... if everything would have changed, if I had gone that day.

For the first time in all these years, I cried.

I cried, I cried, I cried and cried.

I let my façade down, and let the others see my true weak self.

All these years.

For all these years, I've trained to become stronger.

For all these years, I've trained to be able to protect you.

For all these years, I've trained, so that the next time we met, I could proudly introduce you as my younger brother.

Why hadn't I gone that day?

Oh right. Because you didn't need me.

But the fact is... is that I'm a deceitfully twisted person.

I have a weak mind, that can only think of excuses to cover and beautify the ugly truth.

So when you were gone, I knew that I couldn't live without any regrets anymore.

Because the real reason that I hadn't met up with you earlier, was because of myself.

Because I was selfish, and twisted and ugly, so I couldn't stand beside you, if I didn't have anything to cover up myself with.

* * *

I wonder... if you will forgive me.

But you can't.

Because you're gone.

I was even more disgusted with myself, when I made my way towards your grave.

I, from everyone out there, didn't deserve to be here. And yet here I was, my eyes emptily scrutinizing the gray surface in front of me.

I lowered my head, because I couldn't watch it any longer.

The grave wouldn't have been here, if I had helped in the war. If I had swallowed down my fears, and had asked the Revolutionaries for their help. To save my brother.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

How shameful.

After so many years, the first thing that I say to your gone self, are pitiful words of guilt and regret.

I had always imagined our reunion to be a happy one.

Maybe a little too hopeful of my part, but I had no doubts, that it would be a rather loud one.

I didn't have to voice out the fact, that I had been wrong. Once again.

* * *

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Ace..."

A small breeze came by, carrying my silent tears away with it.

I felt miserable, and I just wondered why was I still living.

I wonder, why do I still live everyday, why do I still keep going.

I disappointed you and I failed you.

The first one to look at me by who I was, and not by who I appeared to be.

You wouldn't judge anyone by their outer, and would always manage your way inside of them.

See their true selves, and accept them, despite their weaknesses and flaws.

It was just like twitching a finger to you. Easy and sometimes involuntarily, but for me... For my twisted mind and self, it was my last wall to overcome. A high and hard wall, that stood there with a grace of a hundred years.

I couldn't do it like you.

I couldn't be stronger than you.

I couldn't protect you.

We are too different, and I know, that I will always carry this weighing pain close to me.

Whenever I would see a mop of black hair, or freckles too similar to yours, my eyes would linger longer than needed, trying to find any other similarities with the brother that I once had.

* * *

But I kept living.

Because I knew that life was unfair.

The proof, is that I was still breathing, while you were six feet underground.

I once read in a book, a line that made more sense, than the words that my father used to say.

Life was a beautiful lie, while death was a painful truth.

* * *

But you know what?

I wouldn't do the same mistake again.

I had learnt that I still had to live, even if you were not here.

Because I still had Luffy. Our curious and strong little brother.

He is far stronger than you, and even more than me, but I want him to know, that I'm still here.

That even if he had lost his big brother, I, his not so reliable remaining brother, was still there.

The next time I meet him, wouldn't be with the same pitiful and guilt filled words that I used with you.

Instead, I will lift the corners of my lips to him, because you and I both know, that Luffy sees beyond the words, and understands people by their souls.

* * *

I would have scoffed, if the situation wasn't so morbid.

That I had regained my will, when the soft and warm breeze hit my face. Soothingly, tenderly.

You had always liked to contradict me.

When I said that black suited you more, you would just choose a random other color from your head, and shout that orange was way cooler than black.

When I suggested that we went left, you would stubbornly claim that the right was safer.

When I said that this time, I would be the one to save you, you just had to butt in your already gone face, and say swiftly, and silently, that no, I was the one who needed to be saved.

* * *

The last time that I visited you, I didn't break my eyes from your grave.

I didn't spout any words, because I couldn't trust my mouth anymore.

I limited myself, at nodding at you and put down three cups, three too familiar cups, in front of your grave.

You had won, and I was more than happy to assume my defeat.

Because the next time that someone asked me about you, I could proudly announce with a confident smile...

_So Ace, tell me..._

... That you were my awesome big brother.

... _H__ad I been a good little brother?_


End file.
